Signs of a Cheating Partner: 9 Telltale Behavior Changes
Updated: May 01, 2024
Suspect your partner is being unfaithful? Relationship experts say these are the most common signs of cheating.
When you’re in a committed relationship, you want to trust your partner is being faithful, not constantly hunt for signs of cheating. But people do cheat. And being blindsided by infidelity can be even more gutting than chasing a feeling that something isn’t right in your relationship.
In a decade of working as a therapist and running a dating program, I’ve helped plenty of clients spot surprising behavior changes that suggest infidelity. I often come across some pretty common red flags:
- They falsely accuse you of cheating.
- They’re often unreachable.
- Their sex drive changes.
- Their phone habits change.
- They’re protective of their laundry.
- They have an increased interest in their appearance.
- They suddenly hate you or love you.
- They can’t get their story straight.
- You have a gut feeling.
Not sure if your spouse is staying faithful to you? From remaining at “work” late to swiping away text notifications quickly, strange behaviors can make anyone feel suspicious. But before you start googling “how to get over cheating,” check out the telltale signs of infidelity below. With advice from three relationship experts—and drawing from my work as a therapist—the list will help you spot signs of cheating in your relationship and explain what to do if you think your partner is being unfaithful to you.
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About the experts
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1. They’re suddenly accusing you of cheating
Is your partner questioning your faithfulness when it was never an issue before—and when you’ve given them no reason to distrust you? This might sound like an odd one, but cheaters will sometimes turn you into the bad guy to avoid feeling guilty.
“Gaslighting is a method of psychological manipulation, such as your lover accusing you of cheating on them,” says Nadine Macaluso, PhD, a licensed marriage and family therapist and the author of the bestseller Run Like Hell. “A pathological lover can project their behavior onto you to make you doubt yourself and feel insecure.”
2. They’re unreachable for periods of time
In healthy relationships, there is two-way communication and openness. When infidelity is involved, one partner’s communication may suddenly become inconsistent. Your spouse might regularly be unreachable or have solo appointments arise seemingly out of the blue.
Of course, cheaters will make excuses for absences in their schedules. They may say they’re being whisked away for last-minute work events (though you’re never invited).
Sometimes it’s not as obvious. A perfect example: My client—we’ll call her “C”—discovered that her husband was no longer replying to her texts during his lunch break anymore. It turns out he was busy cozying up with a co-worker instead.
3. Their sex drive drops or revs up
Changes in your sex life should definitely raise an eyebrow, whether your partner’s sex drive has kicked into high gear or dropped off a cliff. Both are signs of cheating.
If your partner is having a fling with someone else, they may surprise you with new tricks in the bedroom and a revived libido. That said, I’ve seen sex stop altogether for other clients, especially when the cheating partner is getting those needs met elsewhere.
4. Their phone habits change
When it comes to illicit affairs, cheaters will try to burn the paper trail in creative ways. These days, the “paper” trail is often digital, which means your unfaithful significant other may get secretive about their phone or computer use. In my practice, clients have had cheating partners suddenly start bringing their phones into the bathroom, taking mysterious private calls, closing computer screens or overcompensating by deleting all messages.
“In healthy relationships, it’s natural to be open about who you’re texting while in each other’s presence,” says certified dating coach Lydia Klemensowicz. “When your partner doesn’t disclose who they are texting in your presence or hurriedly dismisses it as ‘nobody,’ this is a sign that they could be cheating or at least thinking about it.”
Whether hiding texts or computer usage, a lack of transparency is a red flag.
5. They don’t want you touching their laundry
Is your spouse suddenly playing keep-away with their laundry? Yes, partners are entitled to some privacy, but this isn’t about setting boundaries; it’s about keeping secrets. A cheating partner doesn’t want you to find incriminating evidence on their clothes and won’t let you near their laundry. What sort of things might they be hiding? Anything from restaurant receipts to gifts to bodily fluids.
I’ve seen it happen with my clients: cheaters immediately jumping in the shower and washing their clothes after coming home or throwing worn items into the trash. Unfaithful spouses wouldn’t want you to notice smears of lipstick or scents of perfume, now would they?
6. They start caring about their appearance
If your partner has a secret lover to woo, don’t be surprised if they’re suddenly concerned about personal grooming. Clients of mine who’ve been cheated on have seen these changes in their partners, including unfaithful parties hitting the gym (without them) or wearing new perfumes or cologne.
Remember that an interest in self-development doesn’t automatically mean someone is cheating, as everyone goes through periods of growth. It should raise an eyebrow only if your partner becomes defensive or dodgy when you ask them about the changes, or if you’re noticing other signs of cheating.
7. They’re extra caring—or hypercritical
An unfaithful partner may act out of character. Sometimes, they’ll dial up the romance. Your spouse may even shower you with gifts to compensate for their own guilt.
To be fair, the increase in affection can feel great. But if you have a niggling feeling that something is wrong, don’t overlook it. A major cheating myth is that infidelity resides solely in the realm of unhappy relationships. In fact, research suggests that happy relationships are just as prone to infidelity as troubled ones.
On the flip side, cheaters may focus on their partner’s flaws to try to justify their behavior. “Cheaters often reveal themselves through subtle yet revealing behaviors long before their infidelity is verified,” says relationship coach Hevi Serdar. “Their inability to communicate clearly, detached energy or erratic mood swings reflect an inner battle and guilt, which can be sensed if one is willing to tune in to the signs.”
8. They can’t get their story straight
It takes only one slip-up for a cheater’s web of lies to unravel, so pay attention to any inconsistencies in your partner’s stories. A great example of this is my client, “Jane,” who accidentally discovered through a mutual friend that her husband wasn’t staying at work late like he said he was. When the facts don’t add up, it could be a sign that your partner isn’t being honest with you. As they say, if you find one rat, there’s a lot more you don’t see.
9. You have a gut feeling
Sometimes things just feel “off,” and it’s hard to put into words why you think your partner is cheating. Perhaps your wife’s smile no longer reaches her ears or your husband is grinning a lot more than usual. Trust yourself. Your intuition is usually spot-on, which is why a gut feeling that your partner has been unfaithful is the No. 1 sign of cheating.
One important point to keep in mind: Your gut feeling can be misleading if unresolved trauma or attachment issues are clouding your personal judgment. According to clinical psychologist Carla Marie Manly, PhD, a relationship expert and author of The Joy of Imperfect Love, insecure attachment issues and trauma can foster suspicion and doubt despite a partner’s trustworthy behavior. It’s important to seek professional support to unravel any unresolved personal issues that might interfere with a healthy relationship.
What to do if you think your spouse is cheating
Conversations about cheating and trust are a big deal, so it’s important to come to the discussion prepared. I recommend documenting any evidence of cheating before having an open dialogue with your partner about your concerns.
Working with a marriage counselor can provide a neutral third party to help keep conversations honest and civil. You’ll need to determine whether this is something you’re able to work through or if cheating is a relationship deal breaker for you.
How to build a foundation of trust
Acting out of character doesn’t automatically mean that your partner is cheating. A number of things could be behind these behavior changes, such as work stress. But it’s healthy to communicate your feelings and concerns inside a relationship. If it turns out to be a false alarm, these conversations can become an opportunity to strengthen trust.
And they can help you understand why you might suspect cheating. Some of my clients experience a fear of infidelity for underlying reasons, such as past trust issues or feeling neglected in the relationship. This is especially true if you’ve been cheated on before or if you witnessed your parents being unfaithful to each other. Therapy or inner child healing can help address these issues and nurture a deeper foundation of trust.
Why trust us
For over 100 years, Reader’s Digest has explored the nuances of relationships, working with such luminaries as Dr. Ruth Westheimer, John Gottman, PhD, and Leo Buscaglia (“Dr. Love”). We ran a decade-long relationships column and have published a compendium of features, Love and Marriage: The Reader’s Digest Guide to Intimate Relationships. For this piece on the signs of cheating, Gloria Zhang, MA, RP, relied on her experience as a therapist, relationship coach and leader of a dating program, and then clinical psychologist and life-fulfillment expert Carla Marie Manly, PhD, author of The Joy of Imperfect Love and Date Smart, gave it a rigorous review to ensure that all information is accurate and offers the best possible advice to readers. We support this information with credentialed experts and primary sources, such as government and professional organizations, peer-reviewed journals and our writers’ personal experiences where it enhances the topic. We verify all facts and data and revisit them over time to ensure they remain accurate and up to date. Read more about our team, our contributors and our editorial policies.
Sources:
- Nadine Macaluso, PhD, LMFT, licensed marriage and family therapist and the author of Run Like Hell; email interview, April 13, 2024
- Lydia Klemensowicz, certified dating coach; phone interview, April 12, 2024
- Hevi Serdar, relationship coach; phone interview, April 12, 2024
Originally Published: May 01, 2024
