Steve Martin’s “Pickwick Triplets” Song From “OMITB” Is an Absolute Banger

You can listen to “Which of the Pickwick Triplets Did It?” on Spotify, Apple Music, and Amazon Music. See below for the full lyrics in case you, too, want to memorize every word.

“Which of the Pickwick Triplets Did It?” Song Lyrics

Three little babes in their bassinets.
Angelic little triplets?
Or triple-threats?

They might have fooled the others, but they won’t fool me.
It’s time to give these thieving scheming three
The third degree.

Which of the Pickwick triplets did it?
Who of the crew could commit this crime?
Might a little brat, make a mommy go splat?
It’s a story pretty gory for a nursery rhyme.

Which of the Pickwick triplets did it?
Which of the spawn had the brawn to kill?
Will a baby get tried for matricide?
Coochi-coochi-coo, time for you or you or you, to admit it.
So quick as a whip gotta pick which Pickwick triplet did it.

Penelope in pink sure is making quite a stink,
Is she trying to throw me off the scent?
Though she bats her little eyes is she a killer in disguise
With a diaper full of criminal intent?

Preening Patrick is pernicious with an appetite so vicious
He would bite the hand that feeds him with a sneer.
But could that rotten tot be behind this evil plot,
Baby-stepping towards a murderous career?

Pouty little Paco’s looking coy but he’s a bad, bad boy,
Could Paco’s passion prove apocalyptic?
With his paci and his rattle did this pisher go to battle
Proving he’s the perp amidst this Pickwick triptych?

In this picaresque puzzle of the Pickwick pack
Will a lighthouse shed some light
On which kid gave old mom a whack?
There’s an infant to indict.
I’ll book this little crook tonight.
But . . .

Which of the Pickwick triplets did it?
Who of the crew would commit this crime?
Which little brat, made mommy go splat?
Which Pickwick sib will be doing hard time?

Which of the Pickwick triplets did it?
Which little putz had the guts to kill?
Like a forensic pediatrician I’ll complete this inquisition,
I will name the neonatal from the cradle that proved fatal,
I will find the perpetrator who did murder to their mater . . .

Or coochi-coochi-coo,
What if none of it is true?
Has my inspection been too cursory?
Should I look outside this nursery?
What if none of the Pickwick Triplets did it?
Who’d have had a menacing motive and hid it?
Who? Who? Who?
Well
I
Pick
You!