Sophia Michaels
When you think of some of the funniest actors of the last several decades, one that always comes to mind, no matter what, is Adam Sandler. Getting his start on the hilarious sketch show Saturday Night Live and then moving on to movies that have become classic comedy films, the actor has said some pretty hilarious lines. Here are Adam Sandler’s funniest quotes from movies and Saturday Night Live, all of which will make you laugh.
“Sometimes I Feel Like An Idiot, But I Am An Idiot, So It Kinda Works Out” (Billy Madison)
One of Adam Sandler’s best movies is Billy Madison, the story of a young man who has to pass grades 1-12 to inherit his father’s business – a chain of hotels. The only issue is that Billy is an idiot, but he’s alright with that – as he says in this quote, “Sometimes I feel like an idiot, but I am an idiot, so it kind of works out.”
“Paul Newman’s Half Jewish, Goldie Hawn’s Half Too, Put Them Together; What A Fine-Lookin’ Jew!” (Saturday Night Live)
Adam Sandler is known for his catchy tunes, and one of his most well-known ones was “The Chanukah Song” which he performed on Saturday Night Live. Among the funny lines in this seasonal tune is, “Paul Newman’s half Jewish, Goldie Hawn’s half too. Put them together, what a fine lookin’ Jew.” It’s hard to imagine anyone else singing this song — only Adam Sandler could make that line so funny.
“T-T-T-TODAY JUNIOR!” (Billy Madison)
Billy Madison is one of Sandler’s best films, with many hilarious lines. And while this wasn’t the most excellent thing for Billy to say, it was hilarious in its delivery. When a child struggled to read, Billy yelled, “T-T-T-TODAY JUNIOR!” Which ends in him getting in trouble, of course.
“She Ripped Open My Chest And Pulled Out My Heart, But It’s Fine. (Saturday Night Live)
During a sketch called “The Denise Show” on Saturday Night Live, Adam Sandler played Brian, who was hosting a show to mourn the loss of his relationship with Denise (another character). And before he begins the show, he says, “She ripped open my chest and pulled out my heart, but it’s fine.”
Ouch, but so funny because who hasn’t gone through a breakup that bad?
“You Ain’t Cool, Unless You Pee Your Pants (Billy Madison)
Billy Madison gave fans some great one-liners for Adam Sandler lovers, and this one is there. In this scene, he purposely puts water on his pants to help out a kid who unfortunately wet himself, so to stand up for the kid, he says to the other children, “you ain’t cool, unless you pee your pants.” Hilarious but also heartfelt that he helped the child.
“I Like To Rest My Hands In Your Kangaroo Pouch.” (Saturday Night Live)
Sandler’s tunes that he would often sing on Saturday Night Live were iconic for a reason, and one of his best was “Red Hooded Sweatshirt,” a song that he sang in honor of Valentine’s Day for the love he felt for his sweatshirt, a gift from his mother. The hilarious line is “I like to rest my hands in your kangaroo pouch, it makes them feel comfy like a big soft couch.”
It’s such a strange combination of lyrics that makes you chuckle, but also so true. I need an oversized sweatshirt now.
“You Blew It!” (Billy Madison)
Billy Madison sends fans laughing with this one. When Billy had one of his school friends call their teacher (whom he had a crush on) and the call does not go well, Billy exposes himself on the call; he angrily says, “You blew it!” before storming off – even though he was the one who blew it. Plenty of things don’t make sense about Billy Madison, but to me, that’s the perfect line.
“I Don’t Wanna Go To Jail; I’m Fragile” (Airheads)
Airheads starred Brenden Fraser, Steve Buscemi, and Adam Sandler as the Lone Rangers in Airheads, a comedy film about a band that hijacks a radio station to play their music. Sandler delivers some hilarious one-liners here, but my favorite is when they’re hiding in a closet, and his character says, “I don’t wanna go to jail; I’m fragile” in the softest, most hilarious way.
“Say When” (Saturday Night Live)
One of my favorite Adam Sandler sketches is “Pepper Boy,” where Sandler plays a waiter who is learning how to listen to customers’ demands when putting pepper on their dish. He’s not the brightest bulb in the garden, and he winds up putting pepper on a chocolate mousse, all while asking the person, “say when” repeatedly.
“Haven’t You Heard? Goofy Is The New Handsome” (Bedtime Stories)
Bedtime Stories is an underrated Adam Sandler movie, where the stories the main character told his niece and nephew would come to life. In this movie, Sandler delivers this line, “Haven’t you heard? Goofy is the new handsome,” and somehow pulls off this funny pick-up line.
“Where’s Joey? I Need Him. I Need Joey. I Want Joey.” (Saturday Night Live)
In the Saturday Night Live skit, “Bobby Watches Grandma,” Sandler becomes the grandma. This complex woman immediately asks for one of her grandsons, Joey, when Joey’s brother looks after her. He screams, “Where’s Joey, I need him. I need Joey, I want Joey!” in the most dramatic way possible, and it’s hilarious.
“Why Didn’t You Just Go HOME? That’s Your HOME! Are You Too Good For Your Home? Answer Me!” (Happy Gilmore)
If you’ve ever played golf of any kind, you’ve had this feeling. In Happy Gilmore, a story about an amateur golfer entering a tournament to win money for his grandmother, Sandler’s character, Happy, grows frustrated when a ball does not go in the hole. In front of several people, he screams at the ball, “Why didn’t you just go HOME? That’s your HOME! Are you too good for your HOME? Answer me!” You can’t help but laugh.
“What’s Wrong With Just Using Your Face?” (Saturday Night Live)
Sandler visited Weekend Update on Saturday Night Live to give costume ideas to those viewers trying to dress up on a budget. Sandler’s hilarious line was, “If you want an original, scary Halloween costume, use your imagination. What’s wrong with just using your face?”
Now, that’s a burn that makes me laugh every time.
“I’d Love To Punch That Guy In The Face Right Now.” (Happy Gilmore)
Happy Gilmore is one of the funniest sports movies, and this line is one of the best. During a golf competition, Sandler is aggravated by what is happening and openly says, “I’d love to punch that guy in the face right now, but I can’t, because I’d get in trouble.”
It’s an obvious line, but the way Sandler says it makes it much funnier as if he was telling someone the weather.
“Are You Mad That You Died At The End Of ‘Die Hard?’” (Funny People)
In the film Funny People, Sandler plays George Simmons, a comedian diagnosed with an illness. When Simmons visits a doctor and notes how terrifying the doctor’s accent is, he openly says to him, “Are you mad that you died at the end of Die Hard?” Talk about something to never say to your doctor.
“I Knew You Were Gonna Burp But The Vomit Thing Was Awesome. That’s What She Gets For Eating My Roast Beef Sandwich” (50 First Dates)
I love 50 First Dates and all the behind-the-scenes facts about it, and the film itself is so funny.
Sandler’s character, Henry Roth, is a veterinarian at a Sea Life Park in Hawaii, aiming to help a walrus. After the walrus eventually burps and then vomits all over Sandler’s co-worker to feel better, he shows the walrus that he’s proud of him, saying, “I knew you were gonna burp, but that vomit thing was awesome – that’s what she gets for eating my roast beef sandwich.”
Lesson learned: never eat Sandler’s sandwiches.
“You’d Better Not Kill Me, Man!” (Bulletproof)
Bulletproof is a hilarious buddy cop film starring Sandler and Damon Wayans. In this film, Sandler’s character, Archie Moses, is talking to his enemy and hurriedly says, “You’d better not kill me, man,” followed by saying that he has certain “things” to do the next day. Because, yes, we all turn into scaredy cats when faced with death.
“A Turkey For Me, A Turkey For You, Let’s Eat Turkey In A Big Brown Shoe.” (Saturday Night Live)
Possibly one of Sandler’s best songs that he has sung is “Thanksgiving Song,” a song that celebrates Thanksgiving. In this song, Sandler says, “A turkey for me, a turkey for you, let’s eat turkey in a big brown shoe.” The line doesn’t make sense because who’s eating turkey in a shoe? But it makes me laugh every time.
“Dio In Heaveno, Per Favor, Un More Matcho, Be So Greato.” (Saturday Night Live)
In the SNL skit “Opera Man,” Sandler plays the popular character. One of the best lines this character delivered was “Dio in heaveno, per favor, un more matcho, be so greato” – which was him singing about a lottery ticket and wanting more money. I mean, come on. That’s hilarious.
“I Ain’t Fartin’ On No Snare Drum.” (Airheads)
Airheads is a hilarious musical comedy film, and Sandler’s character, Pip, delivers this great line, “I ain’t fartin’ on now snare drum,” when someone says that their record could be him farting on a snare drum. They didn’t mean it in a literal way, but it was hilarious nevertheless.
“We’re Living In A Material World And I Am A Material Girl, Or Boy.” (The Wedding Singer)
The Wedding Singer was pitched to Adam Sandler by Drew Barrymore, and it became one of his biggest hits. The movie follows a wedding singer who falls in love with a waitress. When his character, Robby, describes his outlook on life, he says, “We are living in a material world, and I am a material girl, or boy.” It references a classic Madonna song. It’s hysterical.
“For The Record, Everytime I Laughed At One Of Your Jokes, I Was Faking It.” (I Now Pronounce You Chuck And Larry)
In the film I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry, Sandler and Kevin James star as two firefighters who pretend to be a gay couple and get married so their children can get healthcare. They have a “couple’s spat” where Chuck openly says to Larry, “Every time I laughed at one of your jokes, I was faking it,” to which Larry responds, “You monster!” Gets me every time.
“Now That’s What I Call High Quality H20!” (The Waterboy)
The Waterboy is a great sports movie about an older man serving as the waterboy for a college football team. While plenty of lines from this movie are hilarious, his character, Bobby, saying, “Now that’s what I call high-quality H2O!” always makes me snicker because who says that? That’s so funny.
“I Was On This Tour For One Reason: Money. But Now I Got A New Reason” (Happy Gilmore)
Happy Gilmore is one of the funniest sports movies, and Sandler perfectly delivers this line. His character, Happy, enters a tournament for money. Still, he tells Shooter McGavin, a pro, “I was on this tour for one reason: money. But now I got a new reason,” followed by a hilarious expletive. He truly wanted to stick it to an arrogant professional – and the following interaction is just as funny.
“Ha Ha Ha. Shut Up!” (Billy Madison)
In Billy Madison, Sandler sarcastically laughs at someone, “Ha ha ha,” before yelling sarcastically, “Shut up!” Yes, it’s just as dramatic as you can expect it to be from Sandler.
“It Screamed Why Do You Burn Me And Serve Me Up Cold?” (Saturday Night Live)
In the skit, “Lunchlady Land,” Sandler sings another ode with Chris Farley about lunch ladies, and this hilarious line is about the pepperoni pizza that lunch ladies serve, saying, “It screamed, why do you burn me and serve me up cold?” Because yes, lunch school pizzas are precisely that.
“You’re Watching A Real Person.” (Murder Mystery)
Murder Mystery with co-star Jennifer Aniston is hilarious, and this line is so funny.
When their characters arrive on this yacht, Aniston’s character, Audrey, compliments a woman behind her back, while also theorizing about her nationality because Audrey states, “she’s that kind of pretty that you don’t know what kind country she’s from.”
The woman, of course, hears her comments, and blatantly responds “Japan,” flustering Audrey just a bit. Nick (Sandler) deadpans to Audrey, “You see? She can hear you; she’s not on television right now, you’re watching a real person.”
I loved Murder Mystery 2 as much as the first with these kinds one-liners in both.
“Well I Have A Microphone, And You Don’t.” (The Wedding Singer)
In The Wedding Singer, when Robbie is speaking about his thoughts on one of the marriages, and someone mocks him, he screams into the microphone, “Well, I have the microphone, and you don’t,” and follows by saying they will listen to every word he has to say.
“Oh, She Got Hit By A Car; She’s Dead.” (Happy Gilmore)
Happy Gilmore is hysterical in many ways, and how Happy says this line is so funny. His grandmother asks Sandler about a girl he used to date, and he responds, “Oh, she got hit by a car; she’s dead.” What? Talk about the most hilarious way of responding.
“Worrying About Your Kids Is Sanity, And Being That Sane… Can Drive You Nuts.” (Spanglish)
In Spanglish, Sandler’s character, John, delivers this line, “Worrying about your kids is sanity, and being that sane… can drive you nuts.” I don’t think there’s ever been a more hilarious yet meaningful line about being a parent that’s ever been said.
“I Don’t Know How To Fight, I’m A Comedian!” (Funny People)
In the film Funny People, Sandler delivers this hilarious line when fighting someone who says to “fight like a man,” he responds, “I don’t know how to fight; I’m a comedian!”
“I Do Not Go, ‘Bleh, Bleh-Bleh.” (Hotel Transylvania)
There are plenty of great animated movies, but the Hotel Transylvania franchise is beloved. Sandler’s character, Dracula, explains to a human who has trespassed in his monster’s only hotel that he does not go “bleh, bleh-bleh” like every portrayal of him says he does. It’s a hilarious line and one that I laugh at a lot.
As Adam Sandler is hilarious in so many ways, it surely won’t be long before we get new quotes from him, but for now, I’ll laugh my butt off reading these.
